Kraft Foods Announces Record Q3 Profits

Despite the volatile markets and flagging economy, Kraft Foods today announced record earnings in the third quarter, caused by an unprecedented growth in demand of their Kool-Aid product. Sales have been steadily increasing over the last 4 quarters with major jumps in the second and third quarters of 2008. When reached for comment, Kraft spokesman Hugh G. Pitcher said "Oh, yeah!"

With inventories at historic lows, Kraft is ramping up production to meet the surge in demand. Another Kool-Aid production facility is projected to begin operations in Washington D.C. during the first quarter of 2009.

Despite Kraft's optimism, analysts predict that sales may level off after the second quarter of 2009, and may even start falling as early as 2010.

Other sectors reporting increased demand, for differing reasons, are Brie, Chablis, Firearms, and Imported Cigars. Also, California agriculture officials are reporting a bumper crop of sour grapes, just in time for the post-election season.